#YesToGod - Obedience in Motherhood

For those who don't know, I am taking part in a fantastic online Bible study through Proverbs 31 Ministries called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa TerKeurst. We've just completed week three and I'm loving every minute of it. It's encouraging, challenging and uplifting and I have to say thanks to my mom who invited me to join her. I love you forever.

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Tears streaming down my face. It's late in the evening. The rest of the house is quiet. Tired and weary, I wonder why this is so hard. This is it? This is what I wanted? This is what being a mama is all about? I cry out to the Lord to fix things, change things, make things better. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. My freedom? Gone. Just like that, life will never be the same. I feel like a monster. What kind of mama has these thoughts? I can't do this, God. I need you to make this right.

Embarrassed to admit this, that was a common part of my life for the first six months of motherhood. Motherhood is tough. Really tough. It's one of those things, perhaps the only thing, where you can listen to people tell you about it, yet it doesn't make much of a difference in the reality of what it really is like. A recent visit to my dentist put it this way: "Motherhood has been 'hallmarked'." Yes! Those were the words that I couldn't find all this time. Why don't people talk about the dark part of motherhood, the days that are not your own anymore, the freedom that is stolen away in a moment leaving you wondering if you'll ever be able to do anything outside of caring for a child again. Sure, I have caught glimpses of the joy and those moments that could never be replaced by or compared to something else. But what I'm going through now? Will it ever come to an end?

I found hope in drawing close to my God, pouring out my honest heart and being real with Him. This isn't what I thought it would be. I began to pick up some other Christian resources to find some encouragement from others who have been in my place before and have been vulnerable and honest about their feelings and experiences. In particular, I began to read one book called Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin. Feeling a bit silly that I was only months in and I was already weary, I realized that I wasn't the only mama out there who struggled with the reality of motherhood and the life adjustment that comes along with it. I found encouragement and hope on the pages of that book. I also felt a nudge from the Lord as I worked my way through it planting the idea to start some sort of small group for other ladies who were in the same season as I was. If I felt this way, then surely there were others who probably did too. Immediately, questions flooded my mind and the anxiety rushed in. Me? Lead a group? (I'm not exactly the extrovert!) Me? Invite other mamas into my home at a scheduled time on a certain day? (You new mamas know how hard it is to schedule events around your baby sometimes!) Me? Open my experience up to other ladies who may be walking right behind me in the same shoes? Yes. You.

Perhaps the reason I struggled so much in the first six months was for the here and now. I didn't like it. Not. One. Bit. I kicked and screamed and found myself questioning why I wanted this. But, nothing happens to us that has not already passed through the hands of our Father. He is Sovereign. He is Trustworthy. He has a plan. And He wants to use me where I'm at, whether I have it together or I'm falling apart. He didn't call perfect people. He called people to be part of His perfect plan.

I tabled the idea of the group for a while, not really allowing myself to think too hard about it, but it always kept coming back to me. In my heart of hearts, I knew. I knew that I wanted to get back involved in my church after having some time to settle into motherhood, I knew that I needed to meet other ladies who were walking the same road, I knew that God was going to use all of the ugly in a way that only He can. And so I knew what I needed to do. I needed to say Yes. I needed to forget about the anxiety of leading a group. I needed to let go of worrying over the scheduled date and time. I needed to allow God to work out His plan, and let go of mine.

Fast forward to today. Things are different. Sometimes even a little easier. My little man just turned one and he is a joy. I am proud to be his mama. I love him so. And I'm a week away from opening up my home to the first official play date for the "New Mama" group. My prayer is that this group of new mamas and mamas-to-be can find connection, encouragement and support in one of life's toughest times. I pray that we're knit together through the love of Jesus and that we can be real and honest with each other about these difficult but rewarding days. I pray that we lift each other up instead of falling into the trap of comparison. And I pray that God would receive all the glory, and that I would keep saying #YesToGod so that I don't miss out on His plans. After all, they are so much better than mine.